The past few weeks were filled with some passionate writings on Nigeria. I guess that is a topic I can never run from as I am a Nigerian – a total one. Today, I am not writing about politics, governance or leadership but about a topic so important that if we trace the root of most societal problems; it comes first. The disintegration of family life is a major cause of a dysfunctional society and a big culprit is infidelity.

A few days ago, I had a very deep conversation with a good friend about marriage and the Nigerian society. It was a revealing one as he confirmed my own fears about the eroding sanctity of the marriage institution. We both concluded that most people get married nowadays more as an obligation than not. It is also very obvious that the rate of infidelity is at its highest now and mostly carried out with impunity. The saddest part is that most marriages are now failing right from the beginning and many are already strangers living in the same house before one year.

My mind wonders to the vows I made on my wedding day. The heavy pronouncements I declared before God and man and I ask myself if we all made that vow. But alas, yes we all did even if you married in the registry. I guess that is why it is hard to do business with most people nowadays even after signing legal documents. If a man can renege on his promises to keep his marriage bed sanctified even when he knows the attendant consequences; then such a man cannot be trusted with great things.

I am not going to be riding a high horse and say that I am immune from temptations, but I have promised God, myself, wife, family and friends to be a good role model. Temptations will surely come, but I am also aware that it takes a willing mind to participate. What I am very unhappy about is that most people nowadays think a man can never do without a fling here and there. That is the most blatant lie from the pit of hell but the reality is dawning on us now from all sides. It is also no more news that even women that used to be the victims are now cheating with great gusto, sometimes dwarfing the achievements of their male counterparts.

Today, I am not going to talk about women. I am going to concentrate my energy on the men who started this trade. This series will not end today, so I have enough space to share my thoughts. One of the hottest topics in magazines is “Why Men Cheat”. Today, I want to come from a fresh angle and talk about – “Why Men Must Not Cheat”.

1. What is Responsibility and Leadership: A lot of times, I have been forced to tell people why I don’t drink. I said forced because I don’t like explaining some deep things with just anybody. I choose my audience very well but I guess that is not good enough and everyone should know. I don’t drink because I see myself as a KING, a leader. The bible made it clear in Proverbs 31:
4It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:

7Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

So, while I won’t condemn those who love to drink, I don’t have to join them because anyone who has to make important decisions in their daily life ought not to drink. But even when they wake up from their drunken state, the misery continues. Before you think I am digressing, let me link this together. If someone asks me today why I won’t cheat on my wife – my answer is simple – I am a KING. Proverbs 31 also nails it:

3Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

How many young men have been destroyed because of their lust? How many of our fathers never reached their potentials because of extra marital affairs? I guess we know many big examples. Even many rich men reduced their credibility just because of their lifestyle. Remember the very rich man whose family was thrown into deep problems after his death. The examples abound for many to see but it seems we are just not ready to learn. So, I say today – if you want to be a truly responsible man, who will be influential for life, you cannot afford to cheat. Ask Clinton and you will know the truth.

2. It Destroys Your Home: Well, that is a no brainier. The beginning of every broken marriage is cheating. Women are more liberated nowadays and most won’t tolerate a cheating husband again. There is a strong link between wife bashers and cheaters. Most men who don’t cheat really do not have reasons to beat their wives. Isn’t it easy to see that the reason you beat your wife is because you are irritated with her after coming from the sexy mistress’ abode? Any man who is serious about a New Nigeria would not cheat on his wife because doing it will add to the number of potential dysfunctional children who mostly come from such unions.

3. Your Kids Might Hate You: Children mostly have a big compassion for their mum when they realize that their dad is cheating. They tend to see you as the enemy at a point even if you spoil them with money and other goodies. Wake up man; this is the 21st century where a man’s prowess is not measured by the number of women he can capture. Gone are the days when you can easily do this and get away with it. If you don’t want to be estranged from your kids; please think about it before you start flirting with other women.

4. Your Finances Suffer For it: Interestingly we are in tough times. So if you have excess money, it is wise to keep or invest it for tomorrow. I usually marvel at men who keep two women. Making a woman to be happy involves a lot, so it beats me when someone decides to use his hard earned cash on other babes. For the newly married doing this, remember kids would soon come and more money is needed. For those with kids, isn’t it obvious that you could have spent more on your family than you are already doing. Think about it.

5. Your Achievements Might Be Slowed Down: Whenever I get home each day back from work. I still have to play with my wife and daughter – then decide on which book to read that night to move my career forward. 24 hours then is almost not enough in a day again for all my activities and business. Which gets me thinking of how I would even find time for another woman. And if I find the time as people do; it is very clear some things will be affected.

6. Purpose: Have you even thought of why you are here in this world? Most people don’t and that explains most of our actions. I will pass through this world once and I wish to be remembered for good things. A lot of people will be wounded along the way. Your wife, kids and even the ladies you cheat with. When a man finds his purpose in this world, his perspectives must surely change.

7. Lie Begets Lie: Lies are like a vicious cycle. They never end. You need to propagate new lies everyday to cover your tracks. But one day, it will surely backfire and you are found out. Imagine this – you lied to your wife about staying late at work, yet you are in a hotel in another suburb. If you run into any trouble, then you have got a lot of explanations to make. When you lie today, you will have to lie tomorrow to cover yesterday’s lie. Why would you want to use your precious brain in such a manner? Think about it.

8. You Will Become an Assassin: Maybe this should have been number two. I presently live in a country where the HIV prevalence is MAD. One out of four people you meet is HIV positive. The statistics in Nigeria might not be too far from this but we don’t know as our record system is almost non-existent. Once you cheat on your wife, you have become a potential murderer and your wife should flee from you. I have heard stories of men who infected their wives and are using retroviral drugs without letting them know. If you have not cheated before, this is your chance to avoid this label. If you already did, it is not too late to turn back before you kill.

9. The Most Important Relationship Is Shattered: God actually likened his relationship with us to the relationship between a man and his wife. WOW. That is how sacred the marriage institution is to God. Once a man messes this up, he has cut himself from God. So for those who already enjoy a relationship with God, this is a reminder of the fact you know that you must not even allow yourself to be led astray. If you still don’t know about God, well, I guess the points above are more general and should help you in making the best choice.

I am going to stop here today. Next time, I am going to be writing on practical ways men can overcome the temptations. I welcome suggestions because Iron Sharpeneth Iron. We all have a lot to learn from each other. This might also lead to the formation of group for men who are committed to being faithful to their God and woman. We can be each other’s keepers. The women can also take a cue from here. We will get there. Amen.

I am mostly skeptical about chain emails; but if I don’t share this one, then I am not doing my friends good. Please go through the 45 lessons and there will be a point or two that will hit you hard.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone..

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

I have been away from this medium for about two weeks now. Those who are close to me should know the reason; our beautiful princess arrived on April 16 2009 to the glory of God. That is a post for another day, we thank God that my Queen n Princess are both doing very fine.
What I am writing about today is a topic that always surfaces every time something is triggered in me. I remember it when I think about the past and the many experiences I had to go through. It also comes to me when I see some things happening in the present.
This topic is not only going to help us in our business dealings but in our love life and other decisions we will have to take in life. It is the power of recognizing potentials and also the ability to resist writing people/ideas off. One thing I have noticed about a lot of people is their tendency to be very inflexible with a stiff stand on opinions. I am going to tell some stories to illustrate my points.
Growing up as I have said through this blog was a mixed feeling. It brings back fun memories but at a stage, it smelled of acute want which bordered on the line of poverty at a point. I remember some girls back in our neighborhood liked me because they thought I was brilliant while some detest me since my dad did not have much. There was even a day some of them including guys made me the subject of discussion saying it should take just 2 seconds to count the number of clothes in my wardrobe. That could be very disheartening for a 17 year old, University 200 level student. I kept my calm and kept on reassuring myself that it would be well. Today, I need to ask myself where they are today with the nothings they had that they thought was something.
Within the University was another experience. One thing I had going for me back then was my ability to understand vividly that I should not JUMP. I knew at that point that most babes on campus will probably not see the real me but the cover that was not glamorous. I must add at this point that some saw through me and I appreciate them for that. I also behaved myself very well in fellowship and not until my final year did I have the gut to ask a babe out (Not ready for that story o lol). I am not trying to be vain but I am sure that with present circumstances; some school colleagues (both male and female) are asking why they did not know the real Ayo Oladejo in OAU. I went to visit someone in a room in Awo Hall in my 100 level. I greeted everyone in the room and just this one guy came to me asking why a Sesewa should enter their room. The room mates told him he was being sarcastic and should know I am not one. I never forgot his face and I know how much of no impact he made on that campus.
A lot of people know ‘Gbenga Sesan today and they think he always had it good from childhood. But this same young man who speaks in front of Kings and Queens had to contend with a lot of putting down whilst growing up. Someone even told him computers were not meant for his kind. It takes men of vision to see into potentials. I am using personal stories not as a means of gratification but to drive home the point in a very practical way.
Now let us talk about business. How possible is it to know that a new business idea will fly? It is very hard but knowing how to discern and act is a virtue. I remember the Coca Cola story. The original owner of the recipe sold it at a very ridiculous price because he thought there was nothing much to it. Lets also look at the Google guys, Larry and Sergey. If Sergey did not have the spirit of discernment and the ability to read into potentials, he would not agree to the crazy plan of starting Google and same goes for Larry. A lot of people have missed out on the early stage of possessing stakes in later to be big corporations because they were blind to the inner strength exhibited by the ideas. These same people might come in later to buy stakes at a very high rate or maybe never would be able to do so again. The first Venture Capitalist firm that invested in Google are very happy people today.
Our society is even more guilty of this as it encourages get rich quick lifestyles where people are only interested in buying high yield shares instead of bringing companies up. We have seen the consequence of this as the stock exchange crash and some people are already contemplating suicide. My advice today is for us all to understand the virtue called patience and know how to practice it. Never be too hasty to write off a brother or sister. 5 years down the line you might regret ever talking down on her or him. Never be too hasty to condemn a business plan – that might be your gateway to joining the Millionaire league. Even if you are not willing to put down your money as a risk averse person; there are subtle ways of handling the situation which does not necessarily have to end up in acrimony.
And to those who have been on the receiving ends of the people we have been talking about. My philosophy is simple – whatever does not kill you can only make you stronger. Sometimes we need nasty people to talk us down to actually get out of our shell and do exploits. I have been turned down by a woman before but I bless God for that because I wouldn’t have married the best woman for me if that did not happen. So before you start killing yourself for being resented; think very well and look at all the opportunities for improvement. I know a guy who was turned down and 4 years later, he married the same lady.
If your business idea was shot down by an overzealous talker – remember, he might not even have money to bankroll the project and just looking for a way to destroy your drive. Forget him/her and move on, there are many fishes in the ocean lol. The greatness of a man is not in his ability to stand always but that when he falls; he knows how to get up. I will close this by saying that we are in funny days and we need every of our imaginations and will power to survive. There is more to you and the World is waiting to discover the gold in you. One day we will examine the factors to look out for in identifying potentials.

My Dear Child,

You cannot understand how elated I am writing this letter to you. In fact, just a few years ago, I could not envisage this happening but you have made this possible through the help of God and I can proudly dip my pen in the ink and write this to you.

We are yet to physically meet but I have been dreaming about you for a very long time. I have also been thinking about you a lot and lately, the frequency has increased. Hence, it is not news that I fell in love with you before I met you.

You are coming into this space at a very auspicious moment. The World has been waiting for you because you are not a product of a broken condom (As a very respected writer said) or an accident but a great gift to me and my sweetheart from the almighty God. We daily bless God for giving us such a beautiful gift and we have promised to be good guardians to you.

I also know that the World you are coming to is different from the one I was born into. Many might be asking why I am trying to feel like Methuselah but I am not. I am just giving a very honest opinion and one that many parents have failed to notice. Technology has advanced, access to information is now very easy. The media is so advanced now and all sorts of distribution for their contents are now available. Music videos can be made in a room and distributed all over the World via U-tube in one day. The Internet now relay contents in a very fast and quick way that was not envisaged a few years ago.

As these technologies evolve, the harms also evolve. I was not exposed to bad contents growing up and even if I wanted to watch bad movies, getting it was very hard. Channel O and MTV were also not available to play music videos filled with almost nude women gyrating to obscene lyrics. So, you see what I mean by this time you are coming into this World.

Don’t get me wrong my darling. A lot of my age mates got exposed to some funny things. They smoked all sorts of things, drank strong liquors and chased girls while we were still very young. So it was not as if the days were saintly then. In fact, your father has God, his parents and the will to have a good future to thank for escaping the abyss.

Stephen Farrah in his wonderful book – finishing strong preached a big message to me at a point in my life and that impacted me so much that I decided to join the small league of those who desire to finish strong. Many have fallen by the wayside due to bad decisions and I can’t count a lot of my primary school mates that are still relevant in the scheme of things now.

So as I was saying, you will be coming into a more challenging world filled with people of greed, selfishness and other vices but still filled with good people. But you have good news. God confirmed how much he loves you before you were conceived and decided to give you to us. We have been praying for you a lot and even though we know that you are not going to be insulated from the World in general, but we know that the almighty through us will guide you to having a fulfilling life.

I do not intend to introduce you to a boring life but a life that is balanced and one which will bless humanity. I guess your father’s friends cannot label him as a boring young man; I love life and I live it well without hurting anyone knowingly. We will be great friends because I have decided in my heart to do that. We will learn a lot of things together as we go on in life.

I will always be truthful to you and ensure you understand my ideologies and help you shape yours. I will not become a grumpy man and one you cannot relate with. We will dream together and brainstorm on all issues. We will discover God together and not impose him on you. You will realize the beauty of his love naturally because of the testimonies inherent in your parents’ lives.

Very early in life, I realized that you would come one day. I know how hard it is for children especially when their parents are not good role models. It affects a child’s social growth. A lot of decisions I made were tilted towards your arrival and I know that the Lord will make you see this. I thank you for being a motivation for this as I do not in any way feel left out of anything. In actual fact; you have made me to achieve a lot of things I might have chased at an older age.

I am also happy that you are coming into this World not just through any means, but together with the woman I love and adore so much. We love you very much and we know that the love will continue to grow together. Your mother is a completion for me as she epitomizes a lot of good things I am not. I know you guys know each other very well now but not to worry – I know you as much in my thoughts and dreams.

I have also assured your mum that your coming would not reduce our love but will strengthen it and she has promised same too. We will all have a good time, I promise you. You are our first child, hence a leader in your own right. I am in that position too and believe me, it is a very important one. The way a family turns out is hugely hinged on the sanity and responsibility of the first born. I know you will not let us down but serve as a role model to your sibling(s).

My darling, I love you so much that thinking of you brings emotions I can’t explain. I look forward to meeting you very soon and I bless the Lord for this opportunity. I know he will help me to be a good father you will always be proud of.

Your dad,

Ayobami

Man as a specie will continue evolving especially in the form of adaptation to his environment. Scientists are quick to talk about homo erectus, homo sapiens, etc but the adaptation I am talking about has to do with the way the male and female species inter-relate and the duties each is expected to perform to keep the right balance in the society.

Since the earliest memory of man; the male specie has the responsibility of protecting and providing for his family. He is expected to wake up early to look for food for his wife and children; this might take the course of gathering food items and killing animals for meat in the primitive times. As the years went by, this expanded to activities like farming, working in mines etc. What I am driving at is that in those early days, the available jobs were those that required a high level of brawn and strength which ensured that only the man could go out to work.

In those days, the wife prays daily for the man to return home every night not only because of her love for him but also because he is the meal ticket of the family. The continued existence and survival of the family unit solely rests on his shoulders. The man should respect the woman as he knows that the duties she performs in the house were of great import. Imagine her cleaning, cooking and taking care of the kids not forgetting the sacrifice of carrying a child for 9 months during pregnancy. I will add that most men did not give women this very earned respect. It was supposed to be a symbiotic relationship with mutual respect for each individual.

Fast forward to the industrial age where the possession of strength is not a qualification for getting a job. A new age where the highest paying jobs require brain and skills. The beginning of this age favored men most likely due to the fact that women were not given the chance to express their talents but as the years pass by – a growing awareness that a woman can do as well as a man if not better changed the whole equation. It is easy to recognize the fact that things have changed but men are still living in denial or maybe fail to understand that the era of gaining a woman’s respect just by feeding them is long gone.

Man is supposed to be a very sensitive being but I guess this change is one that most have not come to understand. The whole essence of manhood has changed but many are still living in the past. This is a big concern as it is a major cause of the high rate of divorce nowadays and the reason so many men and women are not even contemplating marriage. A successful professional woman wonders why she needs a man who will be beating her at home when she has the wherewithal to take care of herself. A young man believes the new emancipation that women are experiencing will make them more arrogant and he is a man who should be the head of his house. Now, couples don’t find it that hard to divorce again as it just doesn’t make sense for a woman to continue enduring the suffering when she won’t miss anything by walking out of the marriage.

How did we get to this stage in the first instance?
Most people have a wrong idea of what marriage is and our societies derived different definitions of this lovely institution that God ordained himself. When a young man of less than 30 years decide to get married, the first thing people ask is why the rush? Why rushing into hell fire? This is very sad as most people actually think that their lives will cease to function at the highest level once they get married. Some are also afraid of losing out of their promiscuous lifestyle when they get married. My answer to them is simple – marriage in the right way ensures a better life for you. The bible says that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing and obtains favor in the sight of God. But that is if the wife was found the right way, following God’s rules. I also know that men or women who think they will stop being promiscuous after getting married most likely are deceiving themselves.

It is thus very important to go back to the basics and find out why God wants us to marry, his laws regarding how we treat our spouses. Let us remind ourselves about God’s laws regarding marriage and the roles of men and women in balancing the equation. God’s commission is for the woman to honor and respect her husband while the man must love his wife not just anyhow but the same way Christ loved the church. This is powerful when we realize the extent of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross of Calvary.

Therefore, a man who wants his wife to honor and respect him must go back to God’s laws. He must prepare to love his woman unconditionally as Christ loves us. He must understand that putting food on the table is not the only way to earn this respect though it is his duty as God clearly states that a man who does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel. But we must come to terms with the reality of the 21st century and be open to change. You can no more beat your wife in the morning and think that feeding her or buying her a gift in the evening is enough to calm her down. Christ would not have beaten us, he wouldn’t cheat on us, he wouldn’t disrespect us. God is looking for men who will marry not just because they have to, men who will carry out God’s purpose for marriage, who will continually seek for the improvement of their women, who will love their women and treat them like the Queens they are.

For the young women out there thinking they do not need a man in their life, who have decided to have a child on their own and willingly join the club of single mothers; please look at the developed countries where this practice evolved and see the problems. It is a very known fact that most drug users, gays, lesbians were raised by single parents. We have started seeing the manifestation in Nigeria and the rest of Africa too. South African countries are painfully being destroyed by this phenomenon. A lot of dysfunctional kids who don’t have father figures in their lives are being raised and the world is getting worse for this reason. We all need to understand the impact of not having good family lives on the children and in extension to our communities and the world at large.

My prayers
That men will come to realize the purpose God made them the head of the family unit
That men will follow God’s rules as regards marriage shunning immorality before and after marriage
That men will understand the importance of gaining the respect of their wives though real love
That both men and women will realize they cannot live apart and cultivate the spirit of mutual respect
That Children will be brought up by their moms and dads in the way of God under a loving atmosphere.

I will discuss some ways men can start adapting to the change in future posts. God help us all. Amen.